plans

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" -James 4:13-15

For those of you who haven't spent more than 30 minutes around me, i'm a control freak. I like knowing that all the details have been worked out, or will be in more than enough time to not feel any pressure. I like having things my way, at least as far as they concern me (or more recently, my son.) I like keeping variables to a minimum. and above all, i like to keep things simple, straightforward, and logical.

For those of you who haven't spent more than 30 minutes alive on this planet, life rarely works out this way.

It is one of those blessing in a curse sort of things about being a Christian (for me, anyway,) that one of the biggest problems i have, wanting to be in control, is one of the biggest things God assures me He plans to correct, by reminding me that i really have very little control over the events in my life, and the exact path it takes. Of course i have control over my responses, behavior, etc., but really, I am not the one calling the shots around here.

Lately i've been dreaming up big plans for my life. And when i plan these things, i'm always saying, 'if it's God's will,' but i know i'm really just trying to butter Him up into agreeing with me. Even though i know, most of the time, i'm making my plans based primarily on what will serve my purposes, not necessarily His. I want Him to say, 'Yes, my child, you're going to have a little girl, Olivia, in the next year and a half.' and 'Yes, my daughter, you're going to stay in Hawaii for a few more years.'

And while there's no reason to assume that my desires don't match up with His, and no reason to feel that i should not have these desires, so long as they don't conflict with His word or character, i have to be honest enough with myself to say that, if i don't get 'my' way, I will trust the Lord and look for His purpose in the path my life takes, but there will also still be that 'me me me' part that just feels disappointed.

The blessing in this is that I know His plans for me are better than the ones i have for myself, even if the reasons aren't typical or obvious. (i mean, if i had it my way, i'd eat a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream every couple of days. definitely NOT good for me.) It is also a blessing to know that, in not having total control, and looking to God to direct me, I don't have to have all the answers, and i don't have to have the pressure of making all the right decisions. they will be made for me. i just have to be in touch with God enough to not fight them.

I had one of those encounters today, one of many brought on by mr. caleb's cute factor, a woman asked me if caleb was my first baby, and whether we'd had an easy time conceiving. I answered yes and no, respectively, and shared with her about our miscarriage and the years it took after for caleb to come to us. i also shared that i had not wanted to take the route of hormones and procedures, but would have adopted if caleb had not come naturally (and still plan to adopt later on.) she said she felt the same, and shared that she'd been trying to become pregnant for some time with no success, but that if God wanted her to have a baby, He would give her one. she said 'why worry, you can't control it.' It was great to be able to talk Christianese with this woman and not get the 'oh, you're one of those' look, but it was also a great reminder that whatever other plans i had or will have, i have exactly the child God wanted me to have, exactly when He wanted me to have it.

i also learned today that our 'plan' to stay in hawaii another few years is not looking likely, and at first (and i'll admit, still,) i'm a little disappointed, after all, being here has been and will probably continue to be a huge blessing for our family. but for that very same reason, i'm glad the decision is not mine, or seb's. because it was not really our decision that brought us here in the first place... so whatever God has waiting for us next, we will remember all the blessings already bestowed, all the ways He has given us to serve, and look forward faithfully to the plans He has made.