i awake disturbed

i don't often have dreams that really upset me, usually because i always know they are just that- dreams, nothing of consequence. i have occasionally had dreams in which i cry and wake up to find that i really am crying, the pillow soaked with tears. well, this morning i wasn't crying, but i did feel greatly disturbed, like someone'd strapped me to a chair and forced me to watch the most upsetting horror show imaginable.

it started as seb and i in a bar/diner, where we'd just finished off our meals and an appetizer, and seb, with his small stomach still said he was still hungry and wanted to move down to the end of the bar and order something else. down at the end of the bar, are two very attractive women, and he immediately begins to flirt with them, eventually becoming very drunk and even trying some strong drug absorbed through the skin (don't ask me what.) it then shifts to home, though i don't recognize it as our house, where he asks if we don't want to go out again that night to party with those women. i say no and go to take a bath. while im in the tub he calls the women and asks them if they want to take a shower with us, and it is implied that this is for the purpose of more than just getting clean. i am horrified that he has even suggested it, and feel just about all the natural feelings you'd have if your normally kind and faithful, sober husband is now trying to set up an orgy while in a drugged up state. he brings them over, pulls back the shower curtain, realizes for the first time how upset i am, appears apologetic, and then leaves with them. i am left to weep uncontrollably in the shower. now it somehow transitions to me hunting him down with some army people, he has apparently crashed at what appears to be some army frat house. i find him, and aside from being at the bar, he has no memory of anything from the previous night. i don't know what he has done or hasn't done with these women. he doesn't believe me when i try to fill in some of the details. furthermore, he gets mad at me that i am so upset. now it transitions to later and we are standing by a road. he has called me there to talk to me, and he says he remembers certain things now, part of which is that he killed his brother, because his brother was going to tell someone something, i don't remember that detail, but he shows me where he dumped the body. i feel myself go numb and i just start walking into the woods. it transitions to the ocean and i walk in, it is like sludge, my movement is so slow and draining. everything seems to be in slow motion, i keep walking and walk through hoards of different marine life, in such quantity that there is more animal than water. i walk through fish, sharks, squid, and the water begins to thin, and finally i can swim, the water is clear. now the water is in a water park, but somehow also natural (?) and i am swimming against the flow in a big loop that creates a massive wave ahead of me for people to body board on. i remember i have done this before, swam against the flow, past the wave, and remember i have to time it to cross when the wave is still forming, or just after it crashes. i try and time it wrong, but realize i can dive down into the massive wave and just let it pass over me. i dive in, and after some time realize i went in too early and fear i will drown. just when i am about to feel myself slip i surface, and swim to the end, and get up on the platform that is inside the jail. seb is here, he has been sent here for killing his brother. he is no longer a man but a small scared boy, and i am allowed to go inside to see him. instead however i end up in an infirmary, and experience a flashback to seb's lawyer having bodies dumped of people he used to represent. back in the infirmary, the 'little boy' seb has brought in a bone icepick to the doctor, he says he is reformed and nonviolent now, but gets near an insane patient whose face is slashed all over. he gives it to the insane patient, who stabs the doctor out of view, and then i wake up.

the whole thing was extremely vivid, i could smell the ocean, feel the cool water, see every detail of the area i was in. the whole thing had a very dark, depressing tone, with everything having that sort of light to it that you'd find in that bar, except for when i broke free of the squid and could swim freely.

if i were a drinking person, this morning i think i'd have wanted a shot of something strong. i think i'll go make some coffee instead.