long time gone

yes, i know, it's been quite a while. i promise it wasn't the fear of hecklers that kept me away, it's just been kinda icky around here lately.

in early january i started my teaching job, and long story short, i'm not there anymore. it was everything i had hoped it wouldn't be and very little of what i dreamed it would be. i worked there a total of 8 miserable days, each of which left me coming home and feeling a complete failure. granted, i was dealt a lousy hand, mid-term, mid-unit, school renowned for its behavioral problems, very, very, very little administrative support (much of which i didn't find out till a few days in). but what i thought would be my biggest strength turned out to be my biggest weakness, and as for teaching? well i don't know how well i'd do that, because, i spent so much time just trying to get the kids to SHUT UP AND REMEMBER THEY WERE IN A CLASSROOM i didn't get around to much actual teaching. there were a few moments and a few kids for who i was able to clarify something they'd been perplexed by since they started the unit, or teach them something really cool that actually got them to say WOW about science, but overall, it was an uphill battle that very very seriously had me thinking self-harmful thoughts several times, and i just thought it was in everyone's best interest for me to get out of there. i had other teachers telling me i was doing pretty well for how long i'd been at it, but emotionally it was too much for me, and even if it was ok by their standards, it wasn't by mine.

not long after i quit, which was the hardest decision i think i've EVER had to make and left me pretty down but still relieved, i decided to leave the masters in ed program as well. i think i went in to teaching because it seemed to cover my 'passions' (don't laugh.) the experience at the juvenile center has left me feeling compelled to work to better the lives of children in need, whether that need is caused by poverty or drugs or abuse or neglect or themselves, and i think i thought i could sort of slip that in to teaching. the problem is, i'm hired to do job A and i really want to do job B, but not only can i not have enough time to get around to B, i can't even do A right. so now, i'm trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself (again.)

i'm looking into other masters programs, in counseling or social work, but i want to be cautious to not start another expensive program i'll end up not finishing. in the mean time, i'm gonna get in to some volunteering, and there are so many opportunities here (homeless programs, big brothers big sisters, red cross) it won't be hard to find somewhere to be a 'productive member of society.' it might also help me identify more clearly what i really want to do. i'm also thinking about nursing, that would open some doors for doing medical missions, and i've also had to realize that my desire to work with kids does not necessarily have to be a part of my job. i need to find some career that, in the unfortunate event of something happening to seb, i won't be left unable to to fend for myself. but even if i can't find a job that suits exactly what i want to do with kids, nothing is stopping me from still doing volunteering and finding other ways of fulfilling that desire.

seb's doing well, he just got back from a 2 week field medical training, and did well enough in ATLS (advanced trauma life support) that they asked him to come back and train to be an instructor - he might not get to do it due to scheduling - but it is some nice extra shine on his shoes. he was also able to arrange a few days extra leave time to visit his folks, my folks, his sister and brother, and some friends, and even with all that, including the training part, he said it was a 'nice vacation' from work. makes you realize how hard work must be if crawling though mud and sleeping out in the cold in texas is considered 'vacation.' being back in kirksville was good and bad, it's been our home for 7 and 9 years, it's where we spent our first married years, and it's where we made some really great friends. Mat and Marbree, Erika, if you're out there, I miss ya, wish i could have seen you. sorry i'm a bad keeper-in-toucher, i hope to remedy that soon. seb said it was hard to leave friends that are more like family, and don't know when you'll see them again. i'm glad to have him home though, and we have a nice long weekend together again before he's back to the grind.

all else is well, it's been really rainy and dreary but it's already starting to warm up here, and there have sadly been days when i've been tempted to turn on the airconditioning. i'm holding off as long as possible though, january was the first month our electricity bill was under $100. very nice. solomon's been sick (yucky, messy, tummy issues if you get my drift) and as he's been banished to the garage until i can be sure he won't be leaving messes all over the house, it's been pretty frustrating listening him to whine at not being able to be with us, and having to clean up after him regularly, though he's doing better now. there was one scary day when he had a fever and was so beat that i practically had to lift him physically to get him to get up and go outside, it broke my heart to see him shivering and exhausted. but he's back to whining and jumping now, which for once, i'm glad for.

not much else, that about wraps it up. sorry for one long post, just wanted to catch up. also, if you're out there and reading, do me a favor this once and leave a comment just to say hi, so i can know enough people are reading this to even bother with it. i told lindsey, for a while, i figured if she was the only one reading it, and i talk to her all the time anyway, i wasn't sure it was worth doing. so, just let me know you're out there ;)