week in review

Sunday, Sept. 30:
-Went into labor during church, but didn't know it yet
-went in to the hospital around 645 pm when contractions had been about 3 minutes apart for 3 hours, and i could no longer walk or talk when they hit
-1130pm, received my epidural, a decision i am glad i allowed myself to make
-1145pm, was 5-6 cm dilated, doc broke my water and discovered it was meconium stained

Monday, Oct. 1:
-4am, started pushing
-around 4:28 am, delivered my baby boy, watched in panic as the pediatrics team assessed him, and decided to send him to the nicu. could not decide if i was more joyful or terrified.
-early morning, was wheeled into nicu to see caleb for first time since delivery, was told he was doing well and likely to be in perfect health, but found myself in doubt seeing all the tubes attached to his tiny arm, nose, mouth, feet, chest.
-mid-afternoon, was allowed to both hold and nurse my baby, started to feel things were going to be ok. spent the rest of the day and night going to the nicu every 2-3 hours to feed and hold my little one.

Tuesday, Oct. 2:
-late morning, baby caleb was released from the nicu and was able to come stay in the mother baby unit with me
-late evening, began to be concerned again, caleb was eating but not producing wet diapers, and i started to fear i would not be able to sustain him, and he'd go back to the nicu.

Wednesday, Oct. 3:
-530 am, discovered true joy in the little things, when caleb finally made a wet diaper
-12 noon, apologized profusely to him for the circumcision he was about to undergo
-2pm, mom and baby discharged from hospital, and were able to go home together.
-3pm, discovered that after 4 baby showers and a lot of careful planning on my part, we had no receiving blankets, something another mom i know had said you can never have too many of

Thursday, Oct. 4:
-i think sleep deprivation has removed most detailed memory of this day, mostly stayed at home, tried to rest, figure out breastfeeding some more.
-continued to worry that caleb was not doing well, as he still was producing only about 1 wet diaper a day at this point

Friday, Oct. 5
-went to see lactation consultant/nurse for checkup. learned that after 2.5 days in the hospital, with strangers poking around and inspecting your nether regions, whipping out the girls and letting a total stranger grab them to show you how to latch your baby is still a little odd, but not really difficult to do
-caleb's first attempts at target practice while giving him a sponge bath, never thought i'd be happy to get peed on, but i really was
-had the first of several minor melt-downs to come, due to dog being tick-riden. seb treated the dog and the yard, where we thought they were coming from
-had second minor melt-down when i found 3 live ticks in about 10 minutes in the bedroom, could not believe i had brought my newborn son home to this kind of setting
-husband agrees to pull up carpet where dog usually sleeps, and confirms my worst fear - the bed room is infested, and probably where dog is really getting them from. we had never been bitten, never seen them crawling around there before, but apparently critical mass had been reached, and they were now making their presence known
-husband and my mother spend hours and hours meticulously ripping up all carpet from bedroom, going through bins and boxes under bed (hot zone) picking up and flushing hundreds of ticks. meltdown, meltdown, meltdown. all i want to do is take my baby and run.

Saturday, Oct. 6
-decided for my sanity i would rather just get rid of all my pets. recognize that my fears with them are extreme and irrational, but at this point do not really care, just want one less source of stress and worry
-got out of house so bedroom could be bombed. mom wanted to go to mall, i really really did not, but did not want to act like a paranoid freak. got there, acted like paranoid freak anyway. could think of nothing but all the germs from all the people swarming a mall on a saturday, and how they could hurt my 5 day old son. mom sensed panic level, got me out of there
-went to friend's house who was out of town, to hang out until it was safe to return home. had another meltdown on the way, brought about by diaper bag falling on floor, and how panicked it made me. could not believe how out of control i felt at my reactions. everything terrified me, everything was a threat to my baby, and yet i know i must find a way to live and function in the world without carrying this terror.

Sunday, Oct. 7:
-went to church for first time with baby, he did great, slept through the whole thing. tried not to wince when people i didn't know crossed my comfort zone by getting to close and trying to touch my baby.
-heard just the right sermon and prayer, though the jury is out on how long it will take to completely sink in. i have to trust God in everything and about everything. he defeated sin and death, he can defeat ticks and germs. i can't stop every threat. i can do what i can do. i can't sanitize my hands every time i touch my car keys, my wallet, the steering wheel, etc, before i have to touch my baby again. no one can. i can't make my husband give up his dog, even though i really really really want him to. and this is just be beginning. there will be so many other things that i knew would be threats to my child, but were not really real until i had him in my arms and saw just how vulnerable he is and really felt how much i love him. i cannot protect him from everything, no matter how hard i try, and if i can't accept that i really will go crazy. all i can do is trust in God, and remember the same thing i learned in my pregnancy, that God loves him more than I do, and now i know what a great love that must be.