school daze

well, i'm doing it. homework, reading assignments, papers, parenthetical citations... and you know what? i hate it. yep. gone is the enthusiasm and starry-eyed look i had when i started this with quaint notions of how i would make a difference in the lives of my students. because, even though this started as jesse getting a job and then jesse going to school to get certified for that job, now that i've started the school, i don't think i could handle that and full time, first year work as a teacher. at least, i wouldn't be able to handle it well. i'm sure that if i get offered a job and i accepted it i would find a way to make it work.. but i would be miserable in the process, and probably end up not able to give my best to either area. so, now that i'm fairly sure all my application materials are in.. i probably won't take a job if they offered it. which isn't so bad, considering i didn't think that was a possibility anyway.. but it was nice to think about. so now the plan is to give it a month or two to get settled into the school and then start subbing. what i'd really like to do is just quit school... but i'm too stubborn to do that, and know that it will be best in the long run. i want the education... just not the work ;) i guess i forgot how much i HATED writing papers.

my first paper was to be on why i chose to pursuit a graduate degree. now mind you, this assignment is due on the first day of class. so, i have parameters for topic, length, and to write it using apa style. so i write it. i'm so proud of myself, it's filled with all sorts of sappy junk about what it means to be a good teacher, i use big, fancy words, keep the passive voice to a minimum, and all this in under 3 hours. i take my paper to class, still quite fond of it. then he tells us, btw, no personal pronouns, and use 3 citations. i'll give you some time to re-write. all i can think is, how do i write a paper about a personal decision without using personal pronouns? how do i cite anything, unless someone out there has written a book on me? well i did find a way, and he did relent and said we could use i and me and stuff in the intro and conclusion, after i gave him a very pained look. but i have to tell you, after merely one hour in class, i was ready to book. i probably would have, too. but of all the the tough things i've started, i've always had that first, panicked moment when i realize i've actually committed myself and all i want to do is run from it, get out. but everything always turned out to be so much more of a reward than i could have imagined. or, if i start to tell myself that i've just bitten off more than i can chew, i remind myself how many people i know that have gone through masters programs and more, and have yet to actually die from it. and like i said, i'm stubborn. so, better or worse i'm 'back in the saddle.' only this time, no bad cafeteria food.